When two people are in a relationship, it is not an easy ride. It takes you through so many revelations about yourself and the spouse you choose. Sometimes you just want to scream! Other times you find yourself gazing out into the distance smiling, about a moment the two of you shared together. It’s such a bipolar experience that is weirdly beautiful in many ways.
What makes this crazy experience beautiful is that when two people care enough to get it right, through all of the emotion sprouts growth. In the end of all the chaos these two people in-love understand each other just a little bit more, but everyone knows that before anyone can get to, they must go through.
Many people I’ve experienced, including myself have difficulties actually communicating, and never stop to think in the moment what communication really looks like, sounds like and feels like. We are so caught up in an emotional response or shunning our spouse’s feelings off with a defense mechanism it makes it difficult for anyone to get anything communicated to resolve. When people are “communicating” are they really listening to understanding or are they listening to create a good response?
Everyone has been in the heat of the moment type of conversation and when one person, if not both think they are right and feel as though they must get their “right” answer or response out, 0% of the conversation is productive. Asking around I found that many people listen just to respond and some have done it so much that they have come to a revelation that it doesn’t solve the actual problem at hand, so they try different tactics.
”I have always listened to respond, but in my recent revelations I have started making a conscious effort to listen to understand. I notice that when in disagreements I tend to talk over the person in efforts to get my point (which I normally think is right) across”, says Quisharn Hamilton.
Other people like Aleecia V. says, “hmmmmm….for a long time I would listen to plan my rebuttal. So once I had comeback I would stop listening and concentrate on how to respond. But now I noticed that it never solves the problem because we’re too busy forcing the other person to understand our point without giving ourselves the chance to comprehend whats really been said.” While some, well lets just say they need a respectful communicatiion in order to continue a productive listening strategy with others.
So what is communication? What does it take to get to a real solution between those in disagreement? Communication has plenty of definitions but the one that stood out to me while involved in a relationship was, “the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.” When reaching a solution the most important part with both parties is feeling as if their thoughts have came across clearly. To accomplish affective communication I have consulted with some communication specialist and have created 5 main points to communicate to ensure effective listening in relationships, are you ready?
• First and foremost both parties must put their ego to the side. Setting your ego to the side will open your mind, ears and hearts to assume the best.
• Next, both spouses must listen! Listening is a a major key in these steps and allows you to hear what the other person is feeling, saying and thinking.
• After you listen to your partner before you respond with an opinion repeat what your spouse has communicated to give them a clear understanding that you know and havwe heard their thoughts and feelings.
• Then we have a reflection moment. Your reflecting moment is the time you and your partner get to understand why one another might feel, respond, or react to any situations discussed at hand. During reflection you are asking your self questions like why do I respond in that matter, or what makes me act or react the way I do?
• Last and most important solutions. Solutions are compromises, rules, non negotionables or mutual understanding created between you and your spouse. Solutions are not created just to say for the moment, but practiced when conflict arises.
Practice these techniques with your partners during conflict! Write down your solutions and feel free to post them in conveient places so that when emotion arise both you and your partner may be reminded. It is also best to take deep breathes or remind each other that your goal is to communicate effectivly in order to bring your self and conversation back to its focus point.